I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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