Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
