My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
