My nipple is on Facebook.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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