Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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