Walk of Shame. In a state park.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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