i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
