I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
