im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Barsexuality is the new black.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
