I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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