YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
