I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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