Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
