the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Found the puke drawer
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
