I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
