I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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