Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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