I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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