sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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