i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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