One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
