This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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