i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
