I will die if light touches me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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