I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
This is not my ceiling
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
