I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
