I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Someone signed my nipple.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
