I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
