Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
