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• (847): View more from Illinois

  All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.

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• (250): View more from British Columbia

  I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.

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• (864): View more from South Carolina

  Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.

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• (848): View more from New Jersey

  Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?

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• (714): View more from California

  I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  He stole my heart. I stole his identity.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.

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• (647): View more from Ontario

  THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING

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• (830): View more from Texas

  Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻‍♀️

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...

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