Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line