i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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