Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
