he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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