Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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