he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
