This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
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