Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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