One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
