Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
