I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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