I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
