Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
