I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
