Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
