Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
