I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
