Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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