I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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