Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
