Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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