thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
