Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
