Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
