dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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