Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
