I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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