When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002