He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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