I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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