Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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