I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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